love?

why am i longing for this so much?
is it because i've never actually had it?
is it just because it's "that time of year"?
because everytime i actually put my energy towards something
i feel like i end up screwing it up for myself

i just want my own love story
one that has it's ups and downs
but still actually goes somewhere
i want someone that makes me see how beautiful i am
someone that i can spend tons of time with
but even when we're apart for 5 minutes,
i can't wait to see them again
someone that makes me feel like i couldn't live without them
someone that i get in arguments over stupid things with

i want the good and the bad
i just want someone to love and someone to love me
equally
where everything feels so different
and i can't even think of how i felt before being with them

is that too much to ask?

because i'm getting so impatient
opportunities present themselves, but never follow through
i've held this in for so long
i just had to rant

him

funny how no one seems to compare
it sounds so general, but it's true
i'll be so happy with someone else, yet you're still always there
stuck in the back of my mind
sometimes in the front
but more forward than behind

sure, i've messed up before
but honestly, who hasn't?
people throw around the word love
but i sure don't
and i truly believe you're the only boy i've ever actually loved
though i may have never thrown it around casually
may have never actually said it
it's how i felt
hell, maybe it's still how i feel

i have no idea
but you've always had this horrible power
to confuse the shit out of me
and to make me hate you
but make me see you're the best i've ever had
all at the same time

without even making a single effort to do so

summertime

i can only wish and hope and imagine the days brighter and happier. days and nights full of unconditional feel-good moments. to make memories again that i dream about year after year. i want to breathe in and smell the scent of summer and feel the warmth of the sun. i want the wind blowing through long strands, waves crashing on bronzed skin. i want the feeling that everything is unquestionable and nothing is out of proportion. i want kisses for no reason, late nights of star-gazing, random bursts of happiness, music that pours into my soul. i want endless nights of singing, random spurts of dancing. i want this time when i am carefree. i can be a bird soaring in the wind, a fish breathing under the blue, a girl full of complete bliss and harmony. i want ridiculous tactics that are considered fun. i want this thing we call summer.

what once was, will be

it's been a while
an immense while
it's almost like my thoughts were put on hold
along with my life and everything in it
bringing me back to august of two thousand nine, when our world began to deteriorate
first, the keys i play everyday-gone
the keys i used to unlock home-gone
suddenly, my collection of four long and amazing years added up-gone

it was home
it was family
it was love
it was comfort
it was everything to me
and it had to all be taken away

but we all start among a new path
it may take a while to pursue the path or even create the path
yet the outcome is whatever we can make of it

i can't fathom how things should be
all i think of is how they could be, how i want them to be
i am determined to make these things appear how i imagine them

time ticks too fast sometimes
making it impossible to catch every step
but each step i do end up taking should be breathed in like my favorite scent

the outcome is bright and vivid
it may be difficult, but not a challenge i'm not willing to take on

it will be home
it will be family
it will be love
it will be comfort
it will be everything to me
once again

waiting

it seems like everything in my world is all about waiting

time consumes me and it won't set me free

it seems like all along everyone has just been faking

never can my waiting help me to see

the eyes that watch over in a blazing stare

captivate my premature ability to see what's right ahead

i can no longer tell if you're here or there

after all has been done, nothing more is said

so please help me out, explain the clock

the days are getting shorter as we await

the big hand sings tick and the little hand tock

the ultimatum is sure to come too late

3

so who are you? what have you done? you make a new part of me arise. something i hardly knew and could bring to my demise. you bring misconceptions to mind and burn a new meaning into my brain. i practically feel completely and obliviously insane. i want that, then i suddenly want this. when i'm with you i feel complete bliss. when i'm with him i feel complication that i quickly dismiss. what's so great about you anyways? i feel like i'm in a complete daze. maybe i'm stuck in a summer haze. either way, you catch my eye and my soul. i don't think i can unravel my true self yet, for i don't know what it reveals. who actually knows what i feel? she does, and she's all i need. looks like i'm trapped inside a triangle of three.

september

it seems to be over much too soon. it seems like a week ago we were together in that room. it seems like a day ago she was here and everything was perfectly charming and full of excitement. it seems like a minute ago i was dipping my feet in the kelp-filled water of the Pacific Ocean and drowning myself in foreign liquids. it seems like one second ago i was walking out the door of the jail i'm captivated in year-round. but tomorrow starts a new year. i will be put in jail once again, smirking at old faces, smiling at new faces, and looking away from certain ones i no longer want contact with. but it all seems so surreal. like my summer bliss was a dream. it was all too good to be over now or to even be real. i got everything i wanted this summer, except for one thing. but now that the new year comes and the scent of Autumn starts to fill my nostrils, i'm glad to get over that one little glitch. i'm happy to see that certain things that my brain used to wrap itself around happen to not make any matter in my life anymore. all my brain is wrapped around now is what awaits me in my future. and i love this scent i breathe in today. because it is a new month, a new season, a new September, and a new me.