love?

why am i longing for this so much?
is it because i've never actually had it?
is it just because it's "that time of year"?
because everytime i actually put my energy towards something
i feel like i end up screwing it up for myself

i just want my own love story
one that has it's ups and downs
but still actually goes somewhere
i want someone that makes me see how beautiful i am
someone that i can spend tons of time with
but even when we're apart for 5 minutes,
i can't wait to see them again
someone that makes me feel like i couldn't live without them
someone that i get in arguments over stupid things with

i want the good and the bad
i just want someone to love and someone to love me
equally
where everything feels so different
and i can't even think of how i felt before being with them

is that too much to ask?

because i'm getting so impatient
opportunities present themselves, but never follow through
i've held this in for so long
i just had to rant

him

funny how no one seems to compare
it sounds so general, but it's true
i'll be so happy with someone else, yet you're still always there
stuck in the back of my mind
sometimes in the front
but more forward than behind

sure, i've messed up before
but honestly, who hasn't?
people throw around the word love
but i sure don't
and i truly believe you're the only boy i've ever actually loved
though i may have never thrown it around casually
may have never actually said it
it's how i felt
hell, maybe it's still how i feel

i have no idea
but you've always had this horrible power
to confuse the shit out of me
and to make me hate you
but make me see you're the best i've ever had
all at the same time

without even making a single effort to do so

summertime

i can only wish and hope and imagine the days brighter and happier. days and nights full of unconditional feel-good moments. to make memories again that i dream about year after year. i want to breathe in and smell the scent of summer and feel the warmth of the sun. i want the wind blowing through long strands, waves crashing on bronzed skin. i want the feeling that everything is unquestionable and nothing is out of proportion. i want kisses for no reason, late nights of star-gazing, random bursts of happiness, music that pours into my soul. i want endless nights of singing, random spurts of dancing. i want this time when i am carefree. i can be a bird soaring in the wind, a fish breathing under the blue, a girl full of complete bliss and harmony. i want ridiculous tactics that are considered fun. i want this thing we call summer.